Finding 'Me'


My ability to write the stories that I do was a gift given to me. I chose to share my gift with others and somewhere I mixed things up and started to believe I had a duty to constantly share my gift and felt guilty if I didn’t. That it was somehow wrong not to share and that time not spent doing that was a waste of the best thing I could be doing with my time. I thought writing was my calling. It’s not. Writing and the inspiration given by God is simply a gift meant to help me actualize who it is I should be in life and beyond. My writing over the years easily spells out what my calling or true gift is, which is to be a ‘Seed Giver’. It starts first with my family and then spirals outward and for too long I have focused on how far out I could force the spiral of my impact and not keep my focus on where it should be first and foremost, my family. As a father not only did I seed my children into life, but it falls to me to seed into them the proper way they should go spiritually and how to best manage the emotions of life. It is my duty to protect my seed and hold them safe from all comers and that achieved then comes the ability to help others, but the focus starts at home first, because if I fail with my children I’ve failed at the most important task given to me in my calling in life. To that end I am a faithful leader, one however that has much to learn and didn’t get everything right the first time. To be faithful though means that no matter how thin the thread may be it is time to get up and keep trying to get it right. Success in achieving proper alignment with my primary objective leads me to greater successes farther afield and not the other way around. My gift of being a ‘seed giver’ is a means by which to amplify my need to faithful lead those who are mine in paths of righteousness, always reliant on God to keep things in the balance that I can so rarely achieve on my own. I know that without God’s intervention the whole house of cards does indeed literally fall apart. I speak from experience.


Slowly but surely the fiction I have written is now becoming my reality and the thing is God knew it would be so all along, but for me it was just stories. What I thought were just really good stories with deep meaning had a dual purpose in that they led me back to the ‘me’ I was always meant to be. The ‘me’ that God saw from the beginning, as He wrote it from the end. It’s taken a lot of writing from me though to see what He already knew was written. It’s never really been about whatever kind of amazing story I could write. It’s always truly been about what I now can do, because what I always knew at heart, in order to write it into stories is even now who I live to be each day. Nothing is by accident. My gift isn’t meant for everyone’s benefit, but many have been invited to benefit from it. Maybe this is why my writing has never been widely received despite the reviews of many applauding my stories as the best they’ve ever read. I’m not perfect and maybe that’s why my writing isn’t either. My writing is my own way of actualization of discerning right and wrong – truth and fiction and where I am in everything and how truly crucial it is to have closeness with God in every way. God hasn’t blessed me with the stories that He has because He didn’t want me to change. He gave the stories to me because He wanted me to change and change I have. Sharing what God is doing in me is my nature of spirit to do, because I don’t want anyone to perish. So if I can share what I am going through and help someone else or simply witness of the greatness of my God, I will. I didn’t start writing for anyone else, but for me, and that is going to be the case once more. Writing is my way to explore the way forward for myself in an extensional way that I never before quite realized as I do now. I’ve always been ministered to by what God gave me to write, but I didn’t realize it was my road map to an overcoming life where the author behind the pen needed and eventually had to step up and start swinging away in real circumstances far from the imaginary realms held within the digital blink of ebook readers or the ink stained pages of those more old fashioned readers. In my well-meaning, but wrong belief, I believed that writing was my ministry, but at heart it was something deeper than that. God gave me the gift that He did so that I could learn from it like someone test flying in a simulator. He gave me time to witness how to fly and get experience so that I could be who He called me to be, an overcoming leader able to make war on hell, call out humbly to heaven with an expectation of faith answered, and hold my ground on the battle positions assigned to me on earth. Too many what I have written will appear as self-centered, but truly I have shared more of myself away to the broader masses then many have ever attempted to do. I need no excuses or permissions to speak authoritively and tell you the story of ‘me’. It just so happens that my story has the God given power to also affect others’ lives. Me being all that I can be to be the ‘me’ that my God always intended is a very good thing for many. The more I learn and become God’s version of ‘me’ the more right I feel. Being me has never felt so right and truly before, where I hoped that the impossible could happen, now I’m actively working to see it done, because I simply believe God. I don’t always understand Him, but I believe Him. So in conclusion, if you want to read the evolving story of ‘me’ being brought forward into reality then please do and my expectation is that the experience will continue to be edifying. I very much yet have the desire to love and help others, but just know that when you read my stories you’re reading a part of me. I work hard to no longer allow others to shape my opinion of myself, but instead I make my pleas for help and discernment to God and trust me it took me going through hell to awaken to the relationship with God that I now have, which has always been the understory moral in all my stories. As a man I have always needed direction, strength, and hope and out of the pursuit of doing and acquiring these I wrote my heart out onto the pages of my stories. Truly I take everything about my writing personally and yet for years I separated myself from my writing to regard them to just be stories, but stories can speak with deep significance, even as the parables Jesus used emphasized hidden and profound truths.  My writing has led me to God past any ability of my understanding over the years to show me the obvious. The key is to move past understanding and simply do what God has said to do. I’ve been writing for years hoping to give people another good story that would hopefully save someone, but in the meantime my own life never prospered and finally fell apart. Always trying to understand the ‘why’ of everything and not understanding the feeling of abandonment to monsters meant to destroy me, when all I was focused on was the good of others. Freedom has only begun to come to glorious life as I have come to accept ‘me’ and see the significance of myself in the grand scheme. I am humble to a fault, but I have been far too meek in terms of not seizing a hold of life as God has made it available to me. I thought to be a success at life was to make it good for someone else and truly that is part of a servant’s heart, but in doing so I neglected the importance of ‘me’. Not anymore, although it can still be a stretch sometimes to avoid slipping back into old habits. Fortunately, I have God though and He keeps me going straight.


In today’s church culture I believe the concept of Biblical understanding is completely misinterpreted. So many people don’t pursue what they’ve been told to do by God, because they can’t understand the thing demanded of them and yet the true height of Biblical understanding should be interpreted as do whatever God says to do and have your questions answered later or not as the case may be, but simply trust that He’s got it covered and like the giant before David the situation before you no matter however monstrous it may be will come toppling down because your faith is in God and you’re doing what He told you to do. You think David understood the meaning of everything standing before Goliath. Nope, but he knew what he knew and that is God is God and it was time to make a stand past any understanding of what the situation looked like in the physical. The Bible didn’t happen in a fairytale. We are meant to learn from the stories given in it and then we’re supposed to grow up and go out and do bigger and better things than even Jesus performed in terms of miracles. Don’t believe me – look it up – it’s in the Bible right out of Jesus’s own lips. So as the Bible says ‘Obedience is better than sacrifice’ and so now armed with a sense of purpose to doggedly do whatever God has told you to do, this faith will in turn guide you to the other side of a war torn valley and there looking back on all that has been survived through you might just understand some of why all the things that happened had to occur in order to lead up to the victorious moment at hand, but the moment wasn’t reached by endlessly trying to understand the journey, because face it – faith doesn’t make logical sense. The more you engage the actions of logic in matters of faith the more you will come to doubt your faith in God and faith will become for you nothing more than a façade or persona that you hide behind and one that you have never actually experienced the essence of and if you once did, well by now you’ve managed to logical explain it away as something else entirely. The answer to do the future the right way is simply to do as asked and commanded by one’s Creator.


I was given a heart to love others, but the gift of telling a story was meant to teach chiefly myself and by example then I become a witness to others for what my God can do. So from now on being ‘me’ is the new way to be me. I’m writing for me again, but by all means feel free to share in on my journey to discovering the reality of the truth in fiction that no story is complete without God as the center and living breathing fabric that holds everything together and that He has a very special purpose and plan for all of us, but we’ll never achieve it if we remain busy trying to be distracted or in doubt of who we were meant to be in Jesus Christ. Just as King David needed to be all he could be before God’s eyes so do I. There was never a King David until there was a King David. There are worthy character traits to exemplify from many individuals but the only person Guy should ever be is Guy. God made me to be Guy. Not to be like King David, or Elijah or anyone else. No, He made me to be ‘me’ and I’m tasked to achieve all that was meant to be ‘me’ and the road to doing that is found in a relationship of endlessly pursuing God and believing Him in everything and with everything. It is my prayer that each reader of my letter will find the significance of ‘you’ and while my books might inspire you there is truly a story unique to you that only you can fulfill and it starts with close relationship with God becoming the cornerstone of everything and yes that can mean the loss of everything earthly and yet nothing is lost if you weren’t really living anyway. So live in freedom and be set free and yes, God is a God that restores and the One that can replenish all that the locusts consumed during the years of pestilence filled chaos that were instrumental in bring the real ‘you’ out of the shadows. Don’t try to understand the path of life – just do what God says and everything will be okay. Put it this way – wouldn’t you rather be advancing with the army of God then standing back and watching it leave you behind because you’re wondering where God’s leading His troops. There you are all alone on the road of decision continually getting farther and farther away from your best solution to the situation, which is to shut up and fight when told to do so and for however long it’s asked of you and if you perish you perish willingly. It’s a much better lot than finding yourself surrounded by bushwackers that want everything you’ve got and don’t mind at all in torturing you to get every last dime of it. Devoid of hope and dying without the honor that could have been eternally yours.

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